Is Marriage for YOU?

OK, I have to jump on the bandwagon and comment on this blog entry that has gone viral, Facebook, Twitter, other blogs - I could not escape it! So, when in Rome..or should I say - blog-o-sphere..

Anyhow, it is entitled "Marriage Isn't for You" (click here for it) .

I have been avoiding anything written about marriage as of late. Not that I am a marriage basher - I think it is a wonderful institution when entered into by two people who love and respect each other..I just - well, am still a bit bitter that mine ended. But as I said, I had to read this one.

The gist is that marriage is (or should be) about the other person, not about YOU, about your SPOUSE. Ensuring their happiness and joy over yours is the object of the author's game of marriage. This advice coming from his wise, sage dad.

Ok, in theory, yes, absolutely, one should ALWAYS put one's spouse's need/wants/desires over one's own. Until the other party involved in the marriage dance doesn't. Until the other party decides that it is his/her prerogative to do what he/she feels like at the time, regardless of the other party's thoughts/wishes. This creates a lopsided equation then breeds resentment and anger. Communication is the only salve fore this break in the chain. Both parties have to agree to put the others' needs before their own. Again, in theory it sounds like the stuff of fairy tales - until it's not.

My bitter betty point here is that there are no absolutes in marriage.  Yes, there are times when one will put one's partner's needs before them, of COURSE...but it can't always be that way. There must be a give and take.  Selfish is not a dirty word, one needs to be selfish once in a while.

I find this cookie cutter view of marriage to be unrealistic. If one expects to ALWAYS be put first, one will be disappointed. It's a long fall from the perfect marriage to a realistic marriage.

xo

Who Are You?

I really want to know..Raise your hand if you love the Who..

I have been thinking about identities. Who are you? Who do you think you are? And why?

Labels and identities  define us as people. These definitions start even before we are born, boy or girl? As we move through life, we pick up more identities, more labels that define who we are. How we look, act, where we live, what our careers are, even how and what we eat.

How many of these identities and labels do we create and how many are created for us? And how do we view ourselves through these labels?

This thought has been on my mind as I am looking for a new job. I recently found out that as of the end of the year, I would no longer have a job, my position (and whole office) is being dissolved. I have had the same job, sat in the same office and worked with the same people for close to 10 years. My employment became part of my identity. Potential unemployment changes part of my identity, or does it?  With all of the identities and labels, which one(s) really defines us? Am I defined by what I have been doing at my desk in my office for years? Or does the title Mommy, or even Single Mommy really define me? I don't know the answer.

This goes back to the question of who do you think you are? When asked "Tell me about yourself", what do you lead off with? We have so many pieces that make up the puzzle that is our existence, to pick the brightest pieces, the one that stands out the most is a daunting exercise.

So ask yourself, which labels defines who I really am? 

xo

Fashion Victim?

I grew up in the 80's. The era of big hair and questionable shoulder pad size. As a teen, I LOVED fashion, the latest trends were always on my mind..I worked in the mall and come pay day, I would spend my whole paycheck on clothes (and gas for the car of course, but back then, $5 would get me thorough the week).  Long sweaters, leggings, big earrings - I had them all and LOVED how it all came together..

Well, fast forward to now. Minus the big cartoon character teased hair, many of the styles I wore in high school are back..At first I was repulsed.  Oh no! I wore those fashions the first time around, I am under NO circumstances buying a pair of leggings! Or am I?

My fashion sense, or "style" has taken a bit of a backseat for the past few years.  Obviously while pregnant for Sidekick, I wore clothes that could cover the side of a barn.  After he was born, as my body was taking on all sorts of odd shapes, my style was non existent. What I wore depended on either what was clean (meaning no spit up or pee or other infant bodily fluid) and/or what fit..It's ironic, before I had Sidekick, I would see new mommies and judge their appearance.. I know, I know...but what the hell did I know? I would think, My God Man, step away from the yoga pants!  Well, wasen't I the dumbass?

Anyhow, back to 80's fashion and leggings.. Now that Sidekick is older and I have developed a good morning routine that affords me a bit of "me" time, so I can shower, and actually style my hair and figure out what to wear, I feel as though my style needs a bit of a boost. Add in the fact that I am once again "single", and I think MAYBE, JUST MAYBE leggings, a pair of boots and a tunic top/long sweater might work?

Maybe something like this? I already have a bunch of scarves and the aviator sunglasses..
Just a thought. And I promise not to sing any 80's song while shopping, well....maybe just one..

xo

The Buck Stops Here

So, Sidekick turned three a few weeks back, no big party this year, just a quiet celebration with my parents..

One hears about the "terrible two" from the parenthood fables..It's only when speaking with an "in real life" parent that one learns that, oh no, the twos are a cinch, just WAIT until the "threes" happen..So I did, I waited and well well well, what do ya know..They were right..The Threes (and late twos) have been a CHALLENGE to say the least. So, the terrible tows, not so terrible.  The threes?!??! Let's call them the "terrifying threes"..

Ok, so Sidekick is pretty deep into the terrifying threes (but I love him so, blah blah blah), and guess who decided that this would be a good time to get divorced? Right, that would be me..Sidekick's dad (let's call him S) and I have been separated for over a year and (fingers crossed) will be officially divorced in the next few weeks..So, that means that I have been swimming in the single mommy waters for some time now..But, holy cheesecake, I was not expecting some of the crazy sauce behavior that I have witnessed as of late.

And the worst part of that is there is no one there to whom I can hand Sidekick when he is doing his demon child act..It's me and him, him and I...

It is SO important that I keep my cool when he is throwing a fit over God knows what..I'm IT, in that moment..Wow, talk about the pressure. I feel resentful sometimes that I am on my own..Then it dawns on me, I was alone 80% of the time once Sidekick was born, so it's not like I would have help from S anyhow. Take last night for example..Monday night for men (straight men anyhow) means MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL..So, S would not have been home for the epic meltdown Sidekick had..I was on my own last night and would have been had I stayed married..

Being a single mom is daunting and honestly, a bit scarey.  I worry that I don't stay as calm as I should sometimes or that Sidekick is missing out on the organic "family'..But, I divorced S for many reasons and have not looked back. I have been accused of "breaking up a family" and that hurts, but I know it was and will continue to be for the best..So, I am on the terrifying three thrill ride, I suppose I should strap myself in..

xo

Welcome!

Ok folks, after a few fits and starts, I give to you my new blog. ((TA DA!!))

I don't have a specific  direction as of yet,  there is so much to talk about!

I want to talk about my three year old (Sidekick)and what it is like to be a single mommy living on a tucked in cul de sac deep in the burbs.

I want to talk about life after marriage (and an ugly divorce).

I want to talk about budgets and saving money.

I want to talk about life at work, and the prospects of new employment.

I want to talk about friendships and how they change through the years.

I want to talk about balancing a dating/love life and a toddler.

I want to talk about fashion for a 40 something single mommy.

I want to talk about current events, how will what is going on today affect (positively or negatively) Sidekick's future.

So join me for a chat and beverage. Lets have some fun. :)

PS - If this looks familiar, one could say it is a continuation/new direction from a previous blog The Adventures of CW in the Burbs.