Happy Holidays!

Hi all - yes, I have been silent again - apologies.

The holidays are upon us and I wanted to post something festive and NOT controversial  - so  - please all of you cynics out there - (in the words of Elton John) Step into Christmas with me..

12 Days of Christmas

I found the lyrics to this age old holiday song...But it left me wondering - the 12 days of Christmas - does that mean the 12 days directly proceeding said holiday? if so - then the gifts should start rolling in from my true love on Sunday..Tho - I have no idea what I would do with a partridge in a pear tree - Okay - onto the lyrics....of course with commentary - because you know I have opinions...also - I'm only showing the last stanza that brings it all home - so we can see what to expect from our true loves....

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming, (yikes - that is so loud! why not 12 pianists softly piano-ing?)
Eleven pipers piping, (again, could be loud - but nice, I'm sure...maybe 11 sets of earplugs)
Ten lords a-leaping, (leaping? as in jumping? They might get hurt, better make them tiptoe, or at least make sure they are leaping on a padded floor, maybe giant yoga mats)
Nine ladies dancing, (OK - something I can relate to - I hope they are my friends tho, would hate to get 9 random ladies dancing...and am I allowed to join them? SO maybe there should only be 8)
Eight maids a-milking, (maids? milking what? OK, how about pouring milk? Maybe some soymilk into my coffee? I feel like some days I could drink 8 cups of coffee)
Seven swans a-swimming, (In this weather? How about seals? They do well in the cold and they are cute too)
Six geese a-laying, (Hmm, I hope they are laying eggs, Cause geese poo is impossible to get out of your shoe!)
Five golden rings, (OK, something else I can relate too, might they be encrusted with jewels too?)
Four calling birds, (Who are they calling? Don't they tweet? or text? or sing? How about 4 texting birds)
Three French hens, (Whats wrong with American hens? This song is un-American - clearly written by a Communist)
Two turtledoves, (No more birds! Ill take 2 turtle necks in this weather!)
And a partridge in a pear tree!( Hmmm...Well, I had a pear tree in the yard of my previous home until it was struck by lightning - and I did used to LOVE going to the Partridge Pub..So, I will take this homage to my past from my true love....) But I still have no idea what to do with it...Any ideas?

I'm a Shiny Penny

On Monday of this week, I took yet another step in the "getting back to me" direction.  I went to the Federal Social Security office to officially change my name back to my maiden name.  This was something I had been looking forward to doing with a sense of entitlement and empowerment.  Since my divorce was finalized 7 months ago, I have been finding the "old me".   As cliche as that sounds, everyday I look in the mirror and recognize myself MORE AND MORE as who I used to be, the woman I love and respect.

So my first attempt left me scrambling for a document I did not have. I almost dissolved into tears at the thought of driving around on a hot humid day trying to hunt down said document, just to return to the small hot room at SS to wait for my number to be called.  My stubbornness kicked my ass and I continued on.

With the (hopefully) correct documents in my possession (and $5 lighter in the wallet), I returned to the small hot room at SS to wait, and wait.  Imagine the DMV, only smaller, hotter and possessing a scent that may make one dizzy.  As I was waiting, in walked a young woman who was positively glowing.  She nearly had light radiating from her skin.  As she sat down, I noticed, not only was she a walking halogen lamp, but her toes were pained the palest of pink.

Recent Bride

I knew she was there to change her name due to her recent nuptials.  As I gazed at her bridal pedi, I recalled being in the same small odoriferous room almost seven years ago.  During that visit, I shone like this recent bride did.  I had such optimism and joy in my heart, and why wouldn't I? I was just back from ten glorious days in the tropics with my "husband".  I had finally found my soul mate and we were going to grow old, fat and wrinkly together - or so I thought.  A bit of melancholy invaded my heart at this point painting it a dark blue.

Why didn't MY marriage work?


My thoughts drifted to happier times, to laughter and love.   These memories are buried so deep, they have faded to almost translucent by fighting, name calling and belittling.  As they play like an old movie projector, I feel as though I am watching someone else's life.  Who was she?  In the far reaches of my mind, I know it was me but my heart and head do not communicate on this matter.

My number was called and I was snapped back to my surroundings.  I cautiously approached the counter and provided the newly purchased documents and thankfully, they were the correct ones.  As I stood, exhaling in relief as the friendly (yes friendly!) clerk was typing away, the recent bride's number was called. As she approached the counter, the blue hue surrounding me seemed to dissipate.  She was there with optimism of a new life starting with her "true love".  I realized,so was I.  As I regain my former name, I am in a way committing to myself.  I am starting a new life with my true love,

Me

As I left that dwarfish room, I felt as though I was glowing. I may not have a pink bridal pedi, but I have me back.



xo

To Edit?

How much of our lives do we edit? Do we properly filter out any and all offensive comments/conversations?

I have been absent from my little corner of the internet for a while. The reason for such absence may be blamed on a self edit mode. My own grammar/spell check. 

Yes, there were a ton of things I wanted to write about - so many points of view to share, so many rants to rant. But I chose (perhaps foolishly) to filter my thoughts.

Sometimes in life, I believe one has to keep quiet to stay sane. As I became aware that some became aware of my place here online, I no longer felt able to express myself.

And then I went to the beach.

This is the second year in a row that I have packed up my car and drove straight to Cape Cod, by myself. I spent two wonderful days on my own, with my own thoughts.  There is something to be said about maintaining a mental silence while watching the waves crest.  Without all the white noise of everyday life, I was able to sort things out, untangle the mess in my psyche.

One thing that was revealed when the tangle untangled was that I will no longer edit, filter or hide my thoughts, feelings, rants from this space.It is my hope that those who may feel offended, hurt, wronged, move along and allow me my space.

That's all for now.
xo