On Monday of this week, I took yet another step in the "getting back to me" direction. I went to the Federal Social Security office to officially change my name back to my maiden name. This was something I had been looking forward to doing with a sense of entitlement and empowerment. Since my divorce was finalized 7 months ago, I have been finding the "old me". As cliche as that sounds, everyday I look in the mirror and recognize myself MORE AND MORE as who I used to be, the woman I love and respect.
So my first attempt left me scrambling for a document I did not have. I almost dissolved into tears at the thought of driving around on a hot humid day trying to hunt down said document, just to return to the small hot room at SS to wait for my number to be called. My stubbornness kicked my ass and I continued on.
With the (hopefully) correct documents in my possession (and $5 lighter in the wallet), I returned to the small hot room at SS to wait, and wait. Imagine the DMV, only smaller, hotter and possessing a scent that may make one dizzy. As I was waiting, in walked a young woman who was positively glowing. She nearly had light radiating from her skin. As she sat down, I noticed, not only was she a walking halogen lamp, but her toes were pained the palest of pink.
Recent Bride
I knew she was there to change her name due to her recent nuptials. As I gazed at her bridal pedi, I recalled being in the same small odoriferous room almost seven years ago. During that visit, I shone like this recent bride did. I had such optimism and joy in my heart, and why wouldn't I? I was just back from ten glorious days in the tropics with my "husband". I had finally found my soul mate and we were going to grow old, fat and wrinkly together - or so I thought. A bit of melancholy invaded my heart at this point painting it a dark blue.
Why didn't MY marriage work?
My thoughts drifted to happier times, to laughter and love. These memories are buried so deep, they have faded to almost translucent by fighting, name calling and belittling. As they play like an old movie projector, I feel as though I am watching someone else's life. Who was she? In the far reaches of my mind, I know it was me but my heart and head do not communicate on this matter.
My number was called and I was snapped back to my surroundings. I cautiously approached the counter and provided the newly purchased documents and thankfully, they were the correct ones. As I stood, exhaling in relief as the friendly (yes friendly!) clerk was typing away, the recent bride's number was called. As she approached the counter, the blue hue surrounding me seemed to dissipate. She was there with optimism of a new life starting with her "true love". I realized,so was I. As I regain my former name, I am in a way committing to myself. I am starting a new life with my true love,
Me
As I left that dwarfish room, I felt as though I was glowing. I may not have a pink bridal pedi, but I have me back.
xo
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